With Thanksgiving peaking just around the corner….it makes you reminisce about the things that you are thankful for. Unfortunately, I don’t know why it takes a holiday for us to actually be thankful for things, non the less, this is always a time that people reflect on their have’s and have not’s in life. Things like….
- I am thankful that I don’t already have everything I desire…because if I did, I would have nothing in life to look forward to.
- I am thankful that I don’t know everything…because it gives me the opportunity to learn.
- I am thankful for difficult times…because during these times I will grow stronger.
- I am thankful for limitations…because they give me opportunities for improvements.
And mostly, I am thankful for my mistakes…because they will teach me valuable lessons.
This year we are very “thankful” to be invited to someone else’s home for the dinners (Yeah God!) and not only one dinner we were asked to be part of, but two!!! (Watch yer elbows!!!) So I thought I would share some Thanksgiving Dinner rules that someone emailed me that might help laugh off some of that turkey you are about to consume…..
10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
1. Don’t get in line asking questions about the food. “Who made the turkey dressing? Is it egg in there? Is the salad fresh? Is the turkey organic or grain fed? Who made the mashed potatoes? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit you’re ass down until someone makes your plate for you!!! Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on some damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Stevie to start telling Family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!
4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a toot. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
8. Do not leave your kids so you can go drink & smoke in the garage. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call child & family services on you!!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Scottie and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR PUNCH CARDS YET.
Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving Weekend and that you are surrounded by friend & family & fun!