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Saturday, September 27, 2008

Are You There God?….It’s Me…Bootybella

So today I was sorting through some stuff I had collected on my laptop. Mostly work related articles, and tutorials on different projects. Then I spied this one. Ahhhhh….The Happy Period….it was labeled. I let out a deep belly laugh as I reminisced reading this letter someone had emailed me months ago. I remember reading Judy Bloom’s book years past, that shed some light on the monthly “friend” that would pay a visit for the rest of womanhood. But really – this letter, my friends, really explains it all!!
Word has it that this is an actual letter from an Texan woman who sent her opinions, all typed up in one nice (some may say lengthy, but eloquent) letter to Proctor & Gamble, in regards to their feminine products and their current ad campaign ~ Have A Happy Period. Have a happy period. Are you kidding me? Why don't they have a joyous root canal! If the advertising slogan exec who came up with that little gem is a woman, P&G needs to do us all a favor and take her out now - she doesn't deserve to belong to the sisterhood. If it's a man, I'm really not surprised. I'm sure he's out there at this moment campaigning for effervescent mammograms and hallelujah pap smears.
I think Wendi has done a superb job at touching on some of issues that bother her (along with those belonging to most of the female population). Just thought this deserved a post to share with the sistah’s!!! Can I get a “Woot Woot Wendi”?
Oh yeah!!!! In the meantime, I hope the boys at P&G have a titillating prostate exam!

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without theLeakGuard Co re or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never gohorseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear ofrunning up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But myfavorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos onbeing the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it isthat maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secureI feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever sufferedfrom the curse’? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of themonth is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonalforces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes fromnow, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what myhusband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’tthe human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubtseen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens du ring yourcustomer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must knowabout the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about ourintense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. Yousurely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only lastweek, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove herboyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because hetold her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America isjust crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which bringsme to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes ofcramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out myuterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on theadhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I me an is, does any part of yourtiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Didanything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, didit, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, therewill never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jackyourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your housejust so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with ahunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap amoronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to saysomething that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’, or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effectiveimmediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I havechosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I willcertainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss yourbrand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . .

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX



Lorraine said...

that is something else. I am lmaorotf! thanks for sharing that was a great read!

Cris A said...

I've read this somewhere before and it's still just as funny!!

Stampin'GHmom said...

That's the most hilarious thing I've read in ages!! Can't wait to pass it on to my friends. Thanks for sharing!

Leslie said...

I have never read that before, but I couldn't have said it better myself, and goodness knows I have had to explain this very thing many times. I am a union pipefitter/welder, so I work with almost all men, men that don't understand why I don't want to share the same portapotty with them. That has nothing to do with Aunt Flo, but with them p-ing all over the floor!
Thanks for posting that for us, I got a good laugh out of it too!
Hope to see more of you my SBS Sister, hugs to you, Leslie

Tsscrapin said...

Woot Woot Wendi!!!!!!!

and to you for posting it here for us to read :)

n8tvtexan said...

lol I was thinking about that ad campaign the other day. Not only is it bad enough that someone thought of it but they approved it! If I wasnt such a fan of Always myself, I would have dropped their product simply because of that slogan. I mean everytime I had to look at it, it made me wanna rip someones head off! lol Thanks for the laugh. I love her letter.

Carmen said...

This is funny. I thought it was just me not having a happy period (when I used too) felt maybe I was the only one missing out. LOL